Social-media cuteness, South Africa doing South Africa things, Sri Lanka being un-Sri Lanka – it’s all here
Andrew Fidel Fernando and Alan Gardner10-Nov-2021Is it premature to review the men’s T20 World Cup right now? Yes. We’re still doing it, though.IndiaDressing-room debrief: “I’m not going to sugarcoat it, boys. Yes, we may have spent a lot of time in bio-bubbles over the last few months, but we’ve sorely disappointed the people who are closest to our hearts. Let’s own this moment and vow never, ever, ever let the host broadcasters, corporate sponsors, and advertisers feel the pain of missing out on revenue due to our early exit again.”High point: Getting pretty much the ideal World Cup schedule. Again. What a streak of luck they are on.Low point: Having to wade in and defend a team-mate who was being attacked on the basis of his religion.If Yorkshire Cricket Club wrote a report on their campaign: “These chaps would do well to take the hateful banter from fans in the banter in which it was bantered.”Related
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PakistanDressing-room debrief: “Is anyone else nervous? We thrashed India in a World Cup for the first time ever. We eased past New Zealand, hammered the Associates. Is this really how we want to live life? Is this who we are now? They’re calling us favourites. We should have lost to Scotland just to be safe, shouldn’t we?” **High point: The on-field success is great, but the real victory is their absolute domination of the “Being nice to the Associate teams” PR game, which India have since tried to emulate. Pakistan visited Namibia and shared some jokes in their dressing room and made a video about it, before India did the same a couple of days later with Scotland. Then, after they played Scotland, Pakistan took a cake and shared it with the opposition for more viral cuteness. As this arms race intensifies, expect India to take a bouncy castle and face paint to their next Associate outing at a minimum.Low point: Failing to provide their standard quota of tournament lols. Yorkshire report: “Hmm, wasn’t there someone around here with an idea about how to abbreviate this team’s name?””Mates, we’re going to meet England in the final and deliver such a psychological blow that there’ll be no need for any pre-Ashes verbals. And the world will thank us for that”•ICC via GettyAustraliaDressing-room debrief: “Here we go, boys. Advance ‘Straya, fair dinkum. Been some elite T20 knowhow on show – and I’m not just talking about Shane Watson in the commentary box. Even the England game went to plan, right guys? Lulling the Poms into a false sense of security before the Ashes, haha. Not that we’re obsessed with England. No way. Did you hear that Stokesy’s back in the team, though? Geez.”Hey, do you think they think about us as much as we think about them?”High point: Having their board announce a tour of Pakistan (that they are obviously going to pull out of last minute), just so they have some sledging material against England, who just recently pulled out of their tour of Pakistan last minute.Low point: Only playing England once. Yorkshire report:We can’t help the team has lost a certain something since Darren Lehmann was… an infant. What policies that nation had!West IndiesDressing-room debrief: “You know what they’re saying out there, men. They’re saying we are past it. They are saying we once a great team, as if our greatness is in the past. What do they know? We’ll go out there, and show them the might of the West Ind… OH GOD HOW ARE WE EIGHT DOWN ALREADY?!”High point: Scraping a win against Bangladesh.Low point: Losing to Sri Lanka. Come on now. Yorkshire report: “West Indies are clearly a naturally gifted group of players, with outstanding athleticism, and excellent physical strength… look, you already know where we’re going with this, please jump in before we say it.””Looking forward to reading our board’s review of the World Cup, which will be far more entertaining than this Briefing review”•Aamir Qureshi/AFP/Getty ImagesBangladeshDressing-room debrief: ** “Shhh, it’s over now. You’re okay. Those mean opposition players and nasty UAE pitches can’t hurt you anymore. We’re going home to Dhaka. We’ll build some blanket forts around the Mirpur pitch and live there for a while if you want to. Doesn’t that sound good? Yes? Do you think you can wipe away those tears for me? Uncurl yourself from the foetal position? That’s it. Gently now.”High point: The flight home.Low point: Every single day before the flight home. Yorkshire report: “What do you mean it’s not called East Bradford anymore?”EnglandDressing-room debrief: Well done, gentlemen. All the number-crunching, all the sophisticated models, all the backroom support – the plan is coming together again. Isn’t this a lot more fun than going to an ICC tournament every couple of years and stinking out the room? And all we had to do was throw off the centuries-old sense of English entitlement and embrace the full spectrum of our cricketing community: Irish, Caribbean, Pakistani, people from the north-east. Though mainly it’s the cash, of course. The mountains upon mountains of cash.High point: Beating Sri Lanka (smashing it is harder batting first, y’know).Low point: Not being able to do their “moment of unity” before play. How will the world’s ills be righted now? If Yorkshire wrote a report: “We note, with some sadness, that Joe Root was not made to feel welcome within the dressing room – and hope the ECB will leave no stone unturned in fully investigating the marginalisation of certain groups.””We did everything right and we still didn’t qualify – what a joke! No, I said ‘joke’… ah forget it”•Aamir Qureshi/AFP/Getty ImagesSouth AfricaDressing-room debrief: “So we won four of our five matches – the same as England and Australia – but we’re still getting knocked out before the semis. I guess we should have just won those matches by greater margins? That West Indies match looks like a major missed opportunity in hindsight. Weren’t we missing one of our key players for that game? For the cringiest possible reason? sighs Why do we do this to ourselves?”High point: Should have been beating England on the back of a Kagiso Rabada hat-trick. But this was a South Africa World Cup campaign, so the good moments are actually the depressing ones.Low point: Cricket-wise, their only loss – to Australia. But you know – that’s if we’re going to focus on the cricket. Yorkshire report: “Kneeling is a fundamentally subservient act and no self-respecting human should subject himself to it. Unless you’re being knighted. (And it took far too long for them to get to Sir Geoffrey, to be honest.)”NamibiaDressing-room debrief: “It’s been an amazing few weeks, guys. We took a big stride forward for Namibian cricket for making it through the qualifiers. Then we did one better – won a Super 12 match. We got to hang out with Shaheen. And by the end, commentators even stopped referring to us as David Wiese and the David Wiese Experience.”High point: Beating Scotland, after having beaten Ireland and Netherlands.Low point: Failing to convince Quinton de Kock to requalify for Namibia, when it was touch-and-go there for a bit. Yorkshire report: “We’ve made the bold decision to ban an atrocious racial slur. No one is to call them Namibos.””Boys, this is how it is when people laugh with us, not at us. Treasure the memory”•Gareth Copley/ICC/Getty ImagesSri LankaDressing-room debrief: “Everyone was predicting mega-failure for us. They were all, ‘Oh look at Sri Lanka’s recent T20 record, they are probably going to struggle to even qualify.’ Pfft. I mean, sure, we didn’t get close to making the semi-final, but at the same time, we have so much basic competence to celebrate. Right through the tournament, no one wore their trousers back to front. And the one time one of us was about to go out to bat with a jockstrap around their head like a bandana, we stopped them. I bet our critics feel prettty stoopid now.”High point: Wanindu Hasaranga googly-ing his way to the top T20 bowling rank.Low point: Whatever nightmarish mismanagement their cricket board is about to heap on this talented group of players now. (Prove us wrong, SLC. No, really, please prove us wrong.) Yorkshire report: “These players’ names are too long and unwieldy. We suggest they are assigned numbers instead.”AfghanistanDressing-room debrief: “Okay, so we didn’t make it through to the knockouts, and our country is still struggling under a murderous theocratic dictatorship… but otherwise, it was a pretty good tournament, no? We even qualified into the main draw for the next T20 World Cup in… uh, Australia. I guess that country that cancelled a Test against us once the Taliban took over. But okay, at least, Mujeeb did pretty well this tournament, and we can all agree he’s a player who’s got a great international futu… oof, if he can play. Look, who wants to be captain now?”High point: Bossing the toss in all five matches.Low point: When Karim Janat met Asif Ali. Yorkshire report: “Boy, these Taliban chaps have an awful PR problem, don’t they?””I told the boys that if we want to remain likeable, we have to start losing gracefully again”•Gareth Copley/AFP/Getty ImagesNew ZealandDressing-room debrief: “Fellas, what a superb campaign once again. Another trip to the semi-finals. I mean, sure we already have won a global trophy this year. And yes, our country also carved up the Tokyo Olympics. We’re the netball world champions. And we have probably the most successful elite sports team in the world, in our All Blacks. All for a country of five million, while the overwhelming majority of the planet’s population will never taste even a fraction of that kind of sporting glory. Are we… are we the a******s?”High point: Defeating India.Low point: Failing to produce an iota of cute shareable social media content. Yorkshire report: “Always nice to see on-field success go hand in hand with a tightly controlled border policy.”ScotlandDressing-room debrief: “Och, aye, that was a bit rough, but at least we can say we were there (which is one better than the footballers usually manage). It’s the taking part that counts, not the getting beaten every which way possible. Plus, we had some great social media engagement, and isn’t that what we all dreamed about when we first picked up a bat and ball? Well, anyway… this still beats delivering parcels for Amazon, which, by the way, is the job that I have lost since I spent three weeks longer at this World Cup than originally anticipated, so if anyone’s got any leads…”High point: Singing “Flower of Scotland” so loudly after beating Bangladesh that it interrupted Mahmudullah’s post-match press conference.Low point: Getting monstered more frequently than Loch Ness. Yorkshire report: “Lovely lads, but just look at the results. A bit more creative tension in the dressing room clearly wouldn’t go amiss.”
